2016 was hard.
At the end of the year I had debated writing this huge essay about how challenging the year had been for me and our family. Then I thought, nobody wants to read about that. But then I remembered that I write my blog for my future self much more so than keeping others up to date with what the Macbeth family is up to.
Feel free not to read this. It's sort of long.
In January I went to the hospital for hemorrhaging tennis ball sized blood clots every 15 minutes.
Then in April I had my second miscarriage. The recovery was not pleasant.
At the beginning of September I had my third miscarriage. This time with identical twins. I ended up with a massacre of a UTI that took time to overcome and the hormonal change after the miscarriage gave me a large ovarian cyst. I was in pain for a good while. So when I was still in a lot of pain when the ultrasound showed that my cyst had finally disappeared on its own I started having more questions. I remember holding back tears in my OB's office because, to me, the worst thing is not knowing how to treat something when you don't know what's wrong in the first place.
I had to start seeing a gastroenterologist. First, we did a CT scan. It came back normal. Then we did a colonoscopy. That also came back normal. Fortunately, at that point we had paid enough for the rest of my medical visits/procedures that my CT scan and colonoscopy were both free.
Now, I'm not the type of person who asks, "Why me, God?" because everyone has something they're going through. And the real question is, "What am I supposed to be learning from this?"
The hardest part [obviously] were the two miscarriages last year. Why would Heavenly Father tell us specifically [many times] to have a 5th and then let me miscarry twice? That didn't seem to make sense. One of my close friends even had a heart to heart with Heavenly Father as to why I had to go through that.
But the feeling I kept getting over and over and over was that these experiences would give me greater compassion for others who experience similar things. Also, this was an experience where I really had to rely on my faith in the Lord. We hear so often about handing over our burdens to the Lord and with most of my trials I wouldn't consider doing that. [Getting through the grocery store with 4 kids in tow every week -- yeah, I'm not usually thinking, "Jesus take the wheel" then. It's typically more like, "Oh please don't let Thad lick the grocery store floor today"] But after both miscarriages [especially after the third] I struggled.
The most clear night of all for me was in September -- just a few days after I had my D&E. My doctor had warned me that since I was pregnant with twins, my emotions might be a little insane, and I might crash as my hormones switched gears going from doubly preggers to nada. The kids were in bed and Ben was doing something. It was my all time favorite weather -- hard rain. So I did what I always do and wrapped myself in a too-big blanket and sat out on my covered deck to just listen. The rain was deafening so I knew my neighbors wouldn't be able to hear me crying. I just sat there in the dark listening and crying and eventually Ben figured out where I was. He came and sat with me and let me wail until midnight. And after that, I was good. I just needed one really long, big cry. And Heavenly Father sent a tender mercy that night by making it pour the whole time I needed it to.
While I was going through that last year, I decided to pull out my old sketchbooks. It had been a really long time. I started trying old and new techniques, and I couldn't believe how much joy I got from simply creating art. I wish I wouldn't have neglected practicing so much in the past decade, but I figure I still have plenty of time left to keep learning. As I would work on a project, the spirit would whisper to me, "See. This is a part of who you are, Heather. This is one of your gifts. Use it and it will make you happy." So I did. And I learned to thank Heavenly Father for it in my personal prayers whenever I would complete even a simple little hour-long sketch. If I hadn't have had to rest and take it so easy this past year, I might not have ever made time for art.
So in other words, I learned that if I wouldn't have experienced my trials last year, I wouldn't have turned to the Lord to show me how to find renewed happiness and confidence in myself. I will never be able to show enough gratitude for what the Lord did for me. And I never would have heard Skyler tell me, "Wow, Mom! Your sketch of that apothecary jar looks even more real than the actual apothecary jar!" [May his artistic eye never improve and the exaggerated compliments never end]
But then a week ago I was taken completely by surprise and called to be the Relief Society 1st Counselor. The bishop even asked if I saw this one coming in a dream and I laughed and said no. As soon as I was set apart the spirit became so much clearer and I can feel it so much more so than before. I am working through my own insecurities but fortunately I already have a firm testimony that "whom the Lord calls, He qualifies," so hopefully that'll kick in sooner than later. :) But I can say that I know that my experiences in learning to rely on the Lord and the spirit last year have been an important preparation for this calling, and I'm thankful for it.
Sometimes we don't see the answers right away, and I'd be surprised if I already know all the answers as to why I experienced all I did last year. But I also know, that when we do what the Lord asks, things will turn out so much more beautiful than when we try to figure things out ourselves.
