Baggage

I get nervous about writing "deep" blog posts.  I feel like a blog isn't a place where we need to share our deepest, darkest secrets.  I think some things are perfectly and appropriately kept confidential and that they should typically stay away from the blogosphere.

What I'm going to share usually goes under this category.  But since it's my secret to tell, I don't mind sharing it.  

A while ago I started breaking down.  I had very little reason (other than an overloaded to do list) to be so frazzled, but I was.  Things became much worse after our car accident in November.  I would wake up for hours most nights worrying about every little detail of my life that didn't need to be worried over.  The exhaustion led to more stress, and the break down went downhill.

My struggle was obvious to the people who know and love me best -- aka my family.  That's when my mom pulled me aside and suggested that I see a therapist.  She recommended someone she knew who was in a bishopric in another ward.  To put it simply, I have been undergoing therapy for a while.  

It didn't take long before my therapist told me that I suffer from anxiety.  

What?  Me?

Yes.  And from what I can see, I have suffered from it my whole life.  

I've had enough life experiences to know not to judge people, even if what they do is weird.  Or even really weird.  I fall under the really weird category.

The reason why I am in counseling is because I have a fear of being in cars.  I have been in car accidents so many times in my life that it has made me completely uneasy about road trips anywhere.  It doesn't matter if I was the one who was hit or if I was in the car when the driver hit someone else. All of it is bundled together into my biggest form of anxiety.  My therapist asked me how often I panic while I'm in the car, and I told him it's about 10 times in a 25 minute period.  Ben would agree (that is, if he weren't the sweet man that he is) that I should win the "World's Worst Backseat Driver" award.  Poor man.

But this post isn't about cars and it isn't about my anxiety.  It is about life.  I am not healed from my fear yet, but it is getting better.  But digging deep and learning about myself and my relationship with my Savior has helped me open doors that I never would have known existed.  So in a way, having my anxiety has sort of become a gift for me to work and grow closer to my Savior.  Although I'm not dealing with addictions (although my therapist might be a little concerned about how much chocolate I consume....) we have been using the Addiction Recovery Program as a guide for our sessions -- especially the dreaded Step 4: Making a Personal Inventory.  If you're unfamiliar with the 12 step program that the church uses, you can find the manual HERE.  Believe me, this is a program that everyone should try out if you want to experience the "refining fire."  No addictions necessary.  I'd recommend it to everyone.  Yes.  YOU.

The reason why I'm sharing this is because we all have baggage.  Some people just hide it better than others, and like I said, a lot of the time that is the right thing to do.  But I know that when we work through our hardships with the Lord as our ally, we can overcome whatever life hands us.  Even if you're weird.  Or even if you're really weird (join the club).  Never lose faith in the Lord and never lose faith in yourself.  The road of life is a road for a reason.  We're not supposed to stop when we give up on ourselves.  We have to keep going.  Even if that means I have to get in a car.  *gulp*

Triage

Before I took this picture I shoved away a bunch of clutter so that it would look like I actually kept a tidy house.

EDIT:  When Ben saw this picture the first thing he said was, "Whoa.  Our house looks so clean."

 Yes, the clock does say 12:05.  Yes, my kids are still in their jammies.

I held the camera until my arms were aching so I could get this shot.  That's how long I had to wait.

The pictures that we tend to show each other are always ones that are happy.  But life isn't always happy, so I kind of wonder if I don't do a great job at recording life accurately.  

For example, this morning, as all 3 of my kids cried/screamed in unison, I felt like I was the nurse in charge of triage.  Who the heck am I supposed to run to first?  Is Skyler actually upset or is he just crying wolf as usual?  Is Ella just being affected by her deafening siblings?  Is Lily hurt?

What. Do. I. Do?

Little did I know, that their little rambunctious spirits would live on through the day.  By lunch time I was already dreaming of putting the kids in bed for the night.  Nap time was an acceptable replacement.

But back to the pictures.  They're happy pictures.  They're proof that at some point, I thought, "I have to capture this moment.  I may not get this again.  This makes me happy."

I probably won't ever post pictures of me gagging at the sight of our compost bin, or of Skyler's grumpiness when Lily's woken him up from his nap, or of Ella's clothes after she has a diaper blowout.  Because, really, what's the point of that?

When my kids are grown, I'm going to let them look at all the pictures on the blog and let them adore their cute little selves.  They can laugh over all the funny things they say and feel proud when they read of their own achievements.

And me?  Oh, I'll just be waiting...

Because someday, they're going to have their own kids.  And then, they will have to run their own triage, too.

*covers evil grin*

Good Times

It snowed again. *Virtual high five*

And it snowed pretty much the entire day.  Success.

To anyone who has never heard Lily's witch cackle, I pity you.  Her smaller clone has now begun doing it and I think it's the most hilarious baby laugh of all time.  Oh, and Lily's grammar is pretty stellar, as well.  "Where are me?!"  When Skyler joined in they would yell, "Where is us?!"

*By watching this movie you hereby sign a contract that entrusts that you do not make fun of my embarrassing laugh or I have the right to make fun of you on my blog.*

Valentine's Day : Success

As usual, Valentine's Day was successful.  To us, February 14th is a day of extra fun food and a little extra love and patience for each other.  

The kids started out their day with pink oatmeal, strawberries, and pink eggs (which made this pregnant girl gag).

We parentals got something a little tastier: avocado smeared toast with broken soft boiled eggs, bacon, and strawberries.  

This baby was perfect all day.  As I write this she's just waking up from a 5 hour nap.  Have I ever mentioned that we love Ella, even when she falls asleep face first on her play mat?  This picture is another great one of her ombre hair.

When she's freshly bathed, her curls are pretty curly.  She was our littlest Valentine this year.

Sometimes the kids hear Ella wake up from her naps before I do so they'll go into her room and entertain her until I can pull her out of her crib.  The other day I ran into them singing Give Said the Little Stream.  They typically squeeze their toys in through the bar so that Ella can "play" with them.  She has a nice collection of planes and barbies in there.  Too bad Ella still loves to be swaddled at night and can't use her little arms for playing.  

Ben worked from home on Valentine's Day (I mean, he only goes into the office twice a week.  It's awesome).  He disappeared in the early afternoon and when he came home he told me to go upstairs for 15 minutes.  Lily came up the stairs with a big smile on her face.  "I've got a secret.  Daddy got you flowers.  TWO things of flowers."  Haha.  Life is so full of "surprises" when little children are in the house.  It turns out that Ben got me a bouquet of roses and bought Lily her own bouquet (the child is obsessed with flowers because she knows that lilies are flowers).  Skyler ended up with new Pixar and Lego undies.  Ella ended up with lots of cuddles and a taste of the first food she actually likes: bananas.

The star of the show on V-Day is always dinner.  Keeping up with our family tradition, we had fondue again.  Every year we mix up what we dip, and this year was delicious.  We kept it to Italian bread, broccoli, cauliflower, and mushrooms.  Then for dessert we dipped strawberries, marshmallows, and bananas in chocolate.  It was all delicious!  The only thing a little different about this year was that we weren't alone.  It was our turn to feed the elders and we laughed when we found out about it, but it turned out to be a blast!  They enjoyed having a different dinner and they both even got sneakily kissed by Lily before she dashed up the stairs for bed.  Happy V-Day to them!  Now they can say that they got kissed by a girl on Valentine's Day on their missions.  Uh oh.  

I love Valentine's Day.  It's a special day to remember to love what you hold dear.  I'm grateful I got to spend the whole day with my family.  And also eating lots of rich food without feeling guilty.... *ahem*

We have a "little" announcement....

Ben and I have loved how close in age Lily and Skyler are so much that, yes, we planned to do it again.  We first talked about this after we had Skyler so when we both individually started getting feelings that we should do this, we kind of laughed (nervously) at the idea of actually doing it again.  Lo and behold we got pregnant right away and we've seen a picture of our little peanut as proof!

This will be the last time I will ever announce this, and that is a very bittersweet thing.  But it feels right and I am so happy about how we have chosen to space out our kids.  

So far my pregnancy has been easy.  With each one, the morning sickness has eased up a little more and it has been very minimal this time.  I just want to eat anything unhealthy, particularly anything chocolatey, bacony, or fried.  Wish me luck on not gaining 100 pounds.  As for the exhaustion let's just say that I turned out my bedside lamp at 9 PM last night. My theme song for this pregnancy is this song by Green Day.

All in all, we're excited and we look forward to having our first non-June/July baby!  But technically, if he/she is born before the 22nd, this baby will still be a Summer baby.

This was the day  that we found out we were going to have our last baby.  To say that it was a magical day would be an understatement, but then just having kids is magical.

Sweet Victory

If you would have asked me in high school what I thought a great achievement for my 4 year-old would be, I probably would have said reading chapter books or playing hymns on the piano or something crazy like that.  Back then, I had zero idea that a lot of my biggest victories would be ones that I never would have thought of as an accomplishment at all.

We reached a big milestone this week with Lily.

It was a typical night.  I made dinner.  We ate dinner.  I took Skyler up for his bath.  Then it was Lily's turn for her bath.  She sat in the water and looked up at the shower head.  I could tell she was thinking about something.  Then she said, "Can you turn on the shower?"

Whaaaat??????

This is the girl who is still scared of any loud noise.  She is scared of vacuums, blow dryers, and fire works -- basically anything with a few too many decibels (excluding her and her brother of course.  But there are many days when I feel like they produce more decibels than fire works...)  For this reason, she has been scared of the shower.  But since she asked, I was thrilled and emptied the tub right away.  She backed up against the shower wall and covered her ears with a grimace on her face, completely terrified by her choice.

Then the water came on.  The biggest grin spread across her face and she bounced right in.  "It's just like playing in the rain, Mom!"  She danced around in it for a second before she shut the curtain on my face and told me to "give her space."

As the air pushed on the shower curtain, I watched as her little feet jumped around the shower floor and I pictured her reenacting that scene in Singing in the Rain.  Lily's famous cackles echoed through the bathroom and I couldn't help but feel the victory of something so little yet so huge.

When she was done she ran downstairs to share her awesome news.  Skyler was intrigued.  Needless to say, he now loves showers, too.  

This is the girl who eats spicy food regularly without breaking a sweat, who can be flipped through the air while asking for more, who gets hit by a rock in between her eyes and shrugs it off even though her nose is swollen up.  She's a tough one, but she still has so many fears.  When she was bracing herself for the shower to come on, I know there was some 4 year-old version of "I can do hard things" going through her mind.  And I think that this is just another step on the road of progression.

Victory is sweet, no matter its size.

Our Totally Romantic Relationship

This man is a good man.  Slightly stubborn at times, but still good.  Ben has this really weird thing against taking naps.  He swears that he feels worse after he wakes up and so he'll never let himself succumb to the dreaded n word.  Unless of course when he's on the couch and I'm taking care of kids/making noise.  So I encourage him to go to bed where he'll actually get some decent sleep, but he refuses.  Now this is the part where I get to have a little bit of fun.  I'll start throwing stuff on him (some more gently than others).  Of course, he pretends to be relaxed through the whole process.  When he was this covered I gave up.

Despite my immaturity, he still took me on a date that night.  (Thanks Mom and Dad for babysitting!)  We went to go see the Carolina Hurricanes play the Ottawa Senators.  What's that you say?  That's a Calgary Flames player up there?  Oh yeah, that's because the Senators were lame enough that I didn't feel that they were worthy of a picture on my blog.  So since Ben's mum is from Calgary, I opted for our family's other team.  And is Eric Staal's face not completely priceless up there?  Oh well, he's one heck of a hockey player.  We beat the Senators and had a blast with some of Ben's coworkers despite the fact that our seats were nosebleeds *cough* 4 seats from the roof *cough*.  

As you can see, we're hopeless romantics.  We throw stuff at each other and watch guys knock out each others' teeth for dates.  Awww.

Skyler Macbeff

I feel like Skyler oftentimes gets overshadowed on the blog because he's in the unfortunate position of being the middle child.  So this post is dedicated to my Little Handsome, or "Skyler Macbeff" as he likes to call himself.

Let's be honest here.  I am Skyler's favorite person in the whole world.  He's been bonded with me since he was born.  He loves everybody now (and has for quite a while) but he is for sure a mama's boy.

**Here's a background story on his shirt:  I found that at Target when I was pregnant with Lily.  Since we were 99% sure Lily was going to be a boy I bought it and stuffed it in Ben's stocking when I was probably only 10 weeks along with her.  So when we found out she was a girl we held onto it until Skyler came around.**

Playing tennis with a play kitchen spatula and a doggy tennis ball.  Skyler is still obsessed with all things ball related.  Doesn't he look so old in this picture?  Oh my little 3 year-old.  

And this wouldn't be an accurate post if I didn't mention his sensitivity.  Skyler cries.  A lot.  Maybe it's for a legitimate reason or maybe it's because someone looked at him.  A lot of the time he can't remember why he's crying.  In this particular picture he was playing outside because we got about 20 minutes of snow (if you look closely you can see a few tiny flakes) and he was upset that his hands were cold.  Yep, those are real tears.

One of my recent favorite quotes from Skyler (we've been practicing hard at letters and their sounds):

"X is for garden!  Puh puh!  Garden!"

Skyler Trivia:

• Even though he's big for his age, he's way heavier than he looks.  I'm used to his weight but I know a lot of people don't expect him to be such a brick when they lift him.  He also has some serious muscle.  He can push me over when he wants to.
• He is 100% potty trained.  We started potty-training him last spring and I wouldn't say that he was completely potty trained until October or November, despite our consistency.  But all those months of hard work paid off and now we don't have to think about it again with him. 
• He is amazing in Primary.  I was worried about having two of my kids in the first two rows in the Primary room while I was teaching sharing time, but Skyler has been awesome.  I can't say the same for his older sister, though.... one battle at a time....
• He continues to live for food.  We will be dirt poor when he's a teenager.
• Whenever he asks if he can do or have something, he bats his eyelashes at me.  His payment is letting me kiss both of his cheeks because I know his chubby cheek days are limited.