The Importance of Help

Yes.  Another birthday picture.  That's what happens when you lose your camera charger in the move and have to order another one online.  Thank you backup old cheapo camera for the memory.  Oh, and yes, those are measuring cups she opened up.  She loves them.

 

 

*Disclaimer*  I have considered posting about this for a while and have gone back and forth on it.  I like to record my spiritual experiences, but I don't want to overwhelm the blog with them.  But I kept feeling that this was something I should share.  So here you go.

 

 

Way back earlier in the year, when I was seeing a therapist because I was just overwhelmed generally with life -- for no particular reason -- my therapist and I came to the same conclusion about what my big struggle was: I don't like to ask for or accept help.  Ben and my parents could have pointed that out ages ago, but I think it took an outside person to tell me before I really accepted it as truth.

 

Now, I realize that this is a little thing.  I realize that I could have been seeing a therapist because my life was falling apart or because I was having marital problems or for some other big reason.  But I wasn't.  But, for me, this was big enough.

 

So, my therapist issued a challenge: start praying for experiences you need to ask for help with and be prepared to accept the help.  To be honest, I was actually really resistant.  It was that hard of a challenge for me.  But I knew I'd be in counseling forever if I never worked on my own, so I did it.  I got on my knees and prayed for an experience that would require me to ask for help.

 

Exactly a week later, I woke up with the blind spot in my right eye which you can read about HERE.  It wasn't the blind spot that troubled me, it was learning about my second heart condition, which a little later led to the discovery of my third (and biggest) heart condition which you can read about HERE.  It's not as if the diagnosis made my life much different, but for the first time I knew my whole life's physical struggles weren't in my head and that I had a legitimate reason to be weak and need lots of breaks.  When I was praying about my condition, I could feel Heavenly Father saying to me, "Now you have a legitimate reason to ask for help."

 

A month later, we last minute decided to put our house on the market.  Cleaning, tidying, packing, and moving a house is a huge physical demand.  Even though I was beyond thankful, I was embarrassed to have asked for help from Ben's parents and my own.  This was mine and Ben's decision to move.  Shouldn't we be able to handle the responsibility of it all on our own?  Why should we put that burden on someone else's shoulders?  It didn't seem fair to me.  It made me feel weak and like I wasn't good or strong enough -- that I was a leech who was sucking other people dry.  Ben's mom is a stake Relief Society President and his dad is the High Priest group leader for their ward and my mom is a Relief Society President and my dad is still working full time.  It's not as if they all didn't have enough to do. 

 

But I knew this was a personal test for me.  Each day offered up a new way that I had to ask for help from someone.  I would kind of cringe and then take the leap.  And I learned something.  People really don't mind helping.  You're not a failure for asking. 

 

Because the spirit has a way to lead you to readings that will help you in your current struggles, I was led to something that said (horribly paraphrased) that Satan wants you to think you're selfish if you ask for help.  He wants you to struggle alone.  But in reality, we all need help and our Heavenly Father actually wants us to ask for help.  There is so much He can do for us on his own or through others -- we just have to ask.

 

I would say I'm still learning how to overcome this, although I stopped therapy a long time ago.  But as I keep practicing this skill, I have been more blessed than I could have ever imagined.  I know that the Lord has met my needs specifically with family and friends who helped us with the move and in other ways, but most especially with Ben's job where he is only in the office two days a week.  Ben never says anything like, "Heather, I'm working.  I can't help."  Unless he's in a meeting, he answers to every request for help that I have.  All too often he steers me to a chair to sit down so I don't overdue it and pass out. 

 

But the real thing that taught me the importance of asking for help, was knowing that I couldn't do anything without Christ.  I couldn't be sealed to my family without Him.  I couldn't repent without him.  I couldn't really hope for anything without Him. 

 

Ultimately, I have relied on one scripture.  James 1:5.  If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upraideth not; and it shall be given him.

1

Today is Ella's first birthday.  Last night I had a private talk with her in her room in which I made it clear that she should not decide to turn 1 today.  But the sun came up and my baby is a whole year old now.  Ugh.

 

At the Macbeth house, we're not so big into decorations or big plans.  We mostly just center everything around the food. 

 

 For lunch, Ella got her two favorite foods: mac'n'cheese and smoothies.  Seriously, taking a smoothie away from her is close to impossible.  Then she went down for her second nap of the day so that Ben and I could get down to business getting food ready.

 

My parents were able to come over for dinner and dessert.

We had these ham and cheese sliders which never fail to please.  They are a naughty splurge for special occasions.  Make them and fall in love with them.  Go HERE for the recipe.

We also had homemade coleslaw and watermelon.

 Then it was time for presents.  Ben and I just got her a couple of books since we have enough toys for our kids to drown in.   But Nanni and Papa (emphasis on Nanni) brought over lots of presents and Ella was in heaven. 

 

I guess having your tongue out means pure joy?  After each present she kept saying, "Ah! Ah!" which in Ella babble translates to "AAAAA!  SO EXCITED!"

 Ella has a true obsession with dolls.  I find that slightly ironic since whenever I take her out in public someone usually mentions how she looks like a cabbage patch doll, a porcelain doll, or that dolls should be modeled after her.  People also say she looks like Shirley Temple, but that has nothing to do with this.  To put it simply, Ella is a doll who loves dolls.

 Ella loved her gift from Grandmum and Pop Pop.  She kept jabbing her puppy's buttons to make music over and over and continued with excited, "Ah, Ah's!"

 

And 10 points to 32 weeks pregnant me for having the most attractive face ever.  We've gotta keep some eye candy on the blog, you know.  How else would I get y'all to come back?  Obviously Ella gets her great looks from me. 

 

Since she looks so much like me...

 The presents were fantastic.  But there is something beautiful about a one year-old meeting a cupcake that she gets to have all to herself.   Before we let Ella eat any, my mom asked, "Do you want me to cut up her cupcake for her?" to which Ben and I said no because we knew something beautiful was about to happen. 

 

Stuffing entire cupcake into mouth at once = something beautiful.



 

 

Gabriella:  "God is my strength"

Ella:  "torch bearer"

Dawn: "dawn or bringer of light"

 

We picked Ella's name because we liked it, but also because of its meaning.  I don't think we could have come up with a better name for her if we would have chosen it now.  We have had countless spiritual experiences with Ella, and with her warmth, she is constantly bringing light into our home.  I've always said that Ella has this certain "glow" about her.   

 

It's funny, because Ella is intellectually way ahead for her age, but she's way behind physically -- as in she can't even pull herself up into standing position yet.  But as Ben and I got to thinking about it, we realized why she was so late crawling (she didn't start until the day our house went on the market.... a tender mercy of itself.... when she was 10 1/2 months old) was because she is always held.  Seriously.  If she's not in my lap she's in Ben's, and it had been that way since day 1 at the hospital.  It wasn't until we had to start putting her down to get our house market ready when she really had the opportunity to learn how to crawl.  That's how much we enjoy having her near.  She is a cuddler who doesn't mind being put down -- the best of both worlds.

 

Her favorite things to do are to interact with Lily and Skyler.  Whether she's playing with them or just simply watching them play, she's a happy camper.  And they're really good at including her when they can.  She started speaking really early and can say quite a handful of things.  My favorites are "I love you" which actually sounds like "I lah yuh..." and "Bye bye Dada!" when Ben's off to work.  When she's overly excited she yells "Ah ah!" and waves her arms over her head like crazy.  Her favorite game is peekaboo and starting a game can always get her to stop crying.  Whenever she goes down for naps she waits for the whole family to wave to her before she waves back and says, "Nigh nigh!"  She hates eating bread but loves to eat everything else.  She has a very mature sense of humor for her age.  She's going to be hilarious when she's older.

 

I hate my kids' birthdays.  I dread every. single. one.  But I'm glad I have a baby here to celebrate a first birthday with, even if it means she'll never stop growing up.  We love you Ella!

 

But seriously, stop growing.

Thad

I've said it before.  Ben and I become enemies when it comes down to choosing boy names.  Even though we were thrilled with the news that we'd be evening up our family by having another boy, part of me was thinking, "It'll be awesome -- once we figure out a daggone name!"

 

So.  We went back and forth on names.  We even made our own lists and handed them to the other just to have all of the names crossed out when it was handed back. 

 

But then one day, Ben casually asked, "What about Thaddeus?"

 

I sort of laughed and asked, "Are you saying that because of me?"  I thought he was joking.  He wasn't.

 

He looked at me, very confused.  "No.  Why?"

 

"You know.  My ancestor.  Thaddeus Hill.  The first person baptized into the church in the state of Florida with the really cool escape story?  Super awesome pioneer?  The reason why I had a scholarship to any of the BYU's of my choice?"

 

"Nope."

 

When I realized he was serious about the name, we decided it was definitely a contender.   Since we virtually had no list of names, it was at the top.  But we didn't write anything in stone.

 

For weeks we considered it.  But even though I'm the one with a Thaddeus in my family history, I was the one who was a little more hesitant.  Thaddeus isn't exactly a name that you hear of that often in this decade... er.... century.  I didn't know if I could do that to my own baby.

 

On the morning of Father's Day, I told Ben we needed to take Thaddeus off the list.  It was just a little too "out there" for me.  I could tell Ben was a little bummed, but he was an awesome sport about it and supported my decision.  But that night I learned about my uncle Paul's death (another descendant of Thaddeus Hill).  It was definitely a tearful evening, but also extremely spiritual.  As I said my prayers that night, I prayed extra fervently for a spiritual experience as a token of the spiritual experiences that I had had that evening.

 

Within moments of ending my prayer I fell asleep and went into an inspired dream.  I don't have inspired dreams often, but when I do, I take them seriously.  In the dream I saw my son and my uncle Paul.  I won't go into detail since this is a very private and sacred thing to me, but when I woke up not long after, I knew I had been taught certain things -- one of which was that our son's name is supposed to be Thaddeus Paul.  The next morning when Ben woke up (because he was looooong asleep by the time all this was done) I told him what happened and he instantly agreed that that is his name.

 

I haven't felt totally comfortable telling people about his name.  But this experience has made me feel a little more connected with Elizabeth and Zacharias when the people were a little weirded out by them naming their son John.

 

I'm slowly getting there with his name, though, but I am excited that he will be named after two incredibly amazing men.  If he is anything like them, I would be more thrilled than I could describe.  Not all of you know who my uncle Paul was, but he gave up going into the medical field to become a professional seminary teacher instead.  I always thought of that choice as choosing to heal people's spirits instead of their bodies.  He was an amazing person. 

 

Less than 2 months to go and then we will get to meet our little boy in person.  Just one heads up:  he's going to be called Thad.



Updates

With the move I haven't taken any pictures, but I promise that soon my blog will be smothered with pictures of cute kiddos, especially with Ella and Skyler's birthdays coming up.  So here are some updates for now.

1 - We are officially in our new house!  Both closings together only took 45 minutes and it was a breeze.  On the other hand, moving... not so much.  Ben and my dad had extreme heat the day they loaded up the truck and then we had crazy nearby thunderstorms the night we unloaded.  But everyone is alive and our house is fortunately waterproof and has AC.  The kids are in love with the house and the new arrangements.  Lily and Ella share a room now which Ben and I thought would mean more peace in the evening.  WRONG.  As soon as Ella found out that she was sharing with Lily, she started jumping in her crib (as well as she could on her honeys anyway), laughed, and didn't calm down until waaaay past her bedtime.  Skyler's just thrilled with his own room and bathroom.  I now have all my appliances so things can get real now.


2 - After taking the dreaded glucose test a couple of weeks ago, I was informed that I had barely failed.  No matter how well/poorly I eat I'm borderline in every pregnancy, so I wasn't surprised.  It's just something that runs in my family.  So my OB sent me a diet plan in the mail.  It was pretty horrible.  It said something to the effect of, "Grains, fruits, starchy vegetables, legumes, and dairy all have carbs in them.  Limit these as much as possible."  Translation: this is a meat and salad diet.  The salad I'm fine with, but since Ben and I have eaten vegetarian every other day for a couple of years, the meat thing was difficult on me.  My body didn't respond well.  But I figured I could live the diet for a week just so that I would pass my 3 hour test and get back to normal.  I've never failed the 3 hour test before.  But after living the strict meat/salad diet, I still failed the other glucose test and I now have gestational diabetes.  I was crushed.  I think if I was normal, it wouldn't be that big of a deal.  But this diet undoes my diet for my other health issues, including my heart.  After living the diet for a week, I was left so weak my mom had to do all of my packing.  I was barely able to get around.  So my prayer right now is that my body will adapt and I will survive the next 9 weeks while still managing to gain the remaining 15 pounds I need to gain. 

It's Your Birthday

Today is Heather's Birthday and I want her to know how much I love her.  So here are some of the ideas that I wanted to do for her.

- Make her breakfast in bed.
- Get up with the kids and let her sleep in.
- Make a smoothie, french toast, and super buttery grits.
- Take the kids for the day so that she can relax and have peaceful day.
- Get her lots of chocolate.
- Get her flowers.
- Get her a massage.
- Take her to a really fancy restaurant.
- Take her to the beach.
- Do the dishes.

But sadly to say, the majority of my ideas haven't worked out.  For various reasons from packing up our house, Heather waking up super early, to Heather's pregnancy things just haven't worked out.  I hope that buying your dream house will suffice.

I know that it isn't all of these other things that will make your birthday special though.  It is the little things that we as family can do together.  It is the kids being good, Ella snuggling with you this morning, playing together, listening to the kid's prayers, Skyler's tender heart, Ella's giggle, and Lily's joy for life. 

I hope you know that we all love you.  With you turning 25 today, I want you to know that I think you are amazing.  As you look around today, I want you to look at all the things that God has given you and see all of the love coming from us, your family, and friends, but most of all the love that your Heavenly Father has for you. 

May this next year bring as much good as the past year, but without all of the big bumps along the way.  Happy Birthday Heather.

Ella's different laughs.

July 3rd and July 4th

On the 3rd, Ben turned the big 3-0.  For a year I had been thinking of ways I could make his big birthday special.  I had lots of plans, but what wasn't in the plans was buying a house.  I could give a million reasons as to why this harms birthday plans, but here are the two biggies: 1- stress/busyness.  2 - Lenders have to watch your every purchase for a while before giving you your loan. 

So what was an awesome birthday in my head turned out to be a very small version of it.  He had monkey bread, bacon, and fruit for breakfast and for dinner I was able to surprise him with a trip to Guasaca.  Ben served his mission in Venezuela and authentic Venezuelan food is hard to come by, so when I somewhat recently heard of a Venezuelan restaurant (that had phenomenal reviews) opening up near our local hospital I bought a Groupon for it and held it until his birthday.  It was amazing.  No lie.  And Ben loved it so that made it a huge success.  When I'm in the hospital having #4, I know where Ben will be when he says he's going to the "cafeteria" for food.  Then we went appliance shopping for the new house, and headed home for homemade raspberry ice cream and birthday cupcakes.  All in all it wasn't as humongo of a day as I was hoping for, but Ben and I are giving each other an amazing house for our birthdays, and I think I can say that it'll be the best birthday present we'll ever get, so no complaints here.


Ben's Quote of the Week

Ben and I were talking about how Lily is a mini me.  I had just said how I hoped she wouldn't inherit some of my not so awesome qualities.  That's when Ben said, "Like your heart."  I just stared at him.  That's not the type of thing that Ben ever says seriously.
My translation: "You're a cold-hearted person."
Ben's translation: "Like your physical heart, aka 3 heart conditions."
When I finally figured out our difference in understanding I burst out laughing.  Oh man.  Gotta love English.


Our 4th of July was just as grand as Ben's birthday.  We went to our 3rd (and final) Garner Ward 4th of July Breakfast at the park.  It was delicious and the kids had a blast playing.  We are seriously going to miss a lot of people in this ward.  Then my parents came over and we spent the day packing.  Woohoo!  But so much has been done that all we really have to do now is pack up some more stuff, put it all in the moving truck, and sign our names a million times on closing day, which is now the 16th.  I'll probably write a post about this whole moving experience, but for now, let me just say that it has been one big miracle to me.  Everything that could have possibly gone wrong has actually gone right.  Everything has fallen into place as easily and as quickly as possible.  I will never cease to be amazed by this experience.  But we're excited about moving soon and and calling a new place Home.

Thunder Gods

I have been involved with the Boy Scouts ever since Heather and I moved to North Carolina.  It is one of my goals to have my boys advanced as far as they can before they move into the older troop at age 12.  This requires campouts.  Usually I let the father son campout count and I encourage the boys to go on one camp out with the older boys to give them a feel of what it will be like to be part of the bigger troop.  That leaves one campout that I am in charge of planning and making happen. 

 

I have had a campout planned for the weekend of June 28th-29th for about three months - way before we started looking at moving.  Things have definitely been crazy with trying to get ready for the move in 2 1/2 weeks, but I felt that it was important to still have the campout because who knows when the boys will have the opportunity to camp again especially with a new leader. 

 

As the week advanced I noticed that there was probably going to be rain on the camp out, but it didn't look like it would be that bad.  I woke up Friday morning and the news mentioned that there was a possibility for thunderstorms.  As the day progress the news said that we would have it bad in the early evening and then it would clear out and we should only have rain showers that night.

 

I thought to myself a little bit of rain has never stopped anything, and during the night it really shouldn't be bad.  So we met where we were going to camp.  Slightly cloudy, but we got our tents up and then watched the storm come in.  All of us thought that the clouds looked pretty odd and there was a little rotation, but after a really hard rain and a little bit of lightening  and the sky cleared. 

 

The first storm as it came in.

 

These pictures do not do the clouds justice, but they are still pretty cool.

We then got a fire going had hot dogs and smores and then went to bed. 

 

This is where thing got really exciting.  At about 11:00 we started to hear thunder and get some rain. At midnight we started to get a pretty active lightning storm, but it still seemed to be OK.  At 12:30 everything changed.  The lightning started to strike around us and with enough frequency that we didn't need flashlights.  At this point I felt like we needed to take cover in the cars.  I jumped out of my tent and went to the other tent and then the car.  I was out maybe a minute and I was completely soaked.  We all congregated in the Loveless' suburban, where we sat it out.  (This was the first time that Jeremia has ever taken cover in a car and the only experience I had to compare it to was a night in the Tetons during a 50 mile hike.)  It continued to down pour and storm until 1:45 in the morning. 

 

Finally the storm passed and we were able to go back to our tents and get a little bit of sleep.  We woke up at about 6:00 and had a great breakfast of pancakes, bacon, sausage, and eggs.  The boys were able to get the majority of the requirements done that they need and are now in a really good place for advancement. 

 

I will admit  that it was a little scary during the night, but it has made great memories for the boys and hopefully for the parents as well.  In church the next Sunday one of the boys was very proud to talk about the camp out to the rest of his primary class.  Our boys have definitely lived up to their new patrol name "The Thunder Gods."