This Pregnancy

Ben and I have been on this crazy journey for about 2 years now.  It started with a clear dream about having a baby, having the bishop confirm the dream was inspired in a priesthood blessing, then having several prayers answered that yes, we were supposed to have a 5th despite some health concerns.

I lost one baby in April 2016 at 11 weeks.

I lost two babies in September 2016 at 11 weeks.

I lost one baby in February 2017 at 6 weeks.

And I lost another baby in May 2017 at 5 weeks.

I know I'll never forget any of those experiences, but I really want to record it just so that it's there.  It really did happen.  It wasn't easy.

These past two years have been so full of doctors appointments, blood work, trying different medications, and lots and lots of prayers.

I don't know today why I had to go through all of this, but I know one day I'll truly understand.  It was interesting because I had a few different men give me priesthood blessings at different points in this journey (one even a stranger while we were in England), and every time I was told the same thing: my body was doing exactly what it was supposed to be doing.  This made no sense to me since the Lord had clearly told us we were supposed to have another baby.  We were trying everything on our part to make that happen, but every miscarriage was completely out of our control.  I didn't understand how this could be what "my body was supposed to be doing."

However, many of the blessings Ben has given me have talked about the importance that I learn empathy through these trials.  Maybe one day I'll meet someone who has a similar experience and I hope I can lessen the misery that they will have to endure.

I think I will eventually feel emotionally healed from all that has happened, I just don't feel like I'm there quite yet. 

Ben and I agreed that after the four miscarriages, we were only going to attempt one more pregnancy before going the adoption route.  We had so little hope for a successful pregnancy that we had done tons of research about adoption and were preparing for it.  So when I saw the positive pregnancy test, it was a bittersweet moment of being excited but dreading the possible miscarriage to come. 

It was a Sunday morning when I took that test and as I was sitting in Sacrament meeting that day I had a really special and sacred experience.  The night before I had just finished reading the 4 Gospels in my personal scripture study.  It wasn't a coincidence.  As the Sacrament was being blessed and passed, the spirit came to me and asked me a question:  "Did Jesus ever refuse to heal anyone who asked to be healed during his ministry?"  For the first time ever I realized that He didn't.  Then the spirit asked me a second question:  "Do you have to be near Christ or even touch the hem of His garment to be healed?"  I answered no.  Then the last question the spirit asked me was, "Does the atonement also apply to you, Heather?"  I answered yes.  I felt a really warm and comforting sensation and felt the words "Be thou healed."

Doctors never could figure out what was wrong with me.  I could never figure out what was wrong with me.  But I knew Heavenly Father knew what was wrong with me and that through the atonement I could be healed. 

That experience gave Ben and me the greatest hope for this pregnancy.  Then, as I had with my previous pregnancies, I started visiting my OB for testing every other day.  This pregnancy was different than the others.  It looked not only hopeful, but even more healthy than the average pregnancy.  All my results were incredible. 

In the morning I'll be 16 weeks.  I have been able to feel the baby move for about 3 weeks now and Ben felt the baby for the first time yesterday.  I can't believe how blessed we are.  I can't express how excited we are for May 2018 when we finally get to meet this little person we have fought so hard to include in our family.