Possible Finality

I have mixed emotions as I come to the end of this pregnancy.  In public, you’ll hear that my opinion of pregnancy is that it’s pretty much no fun.  But, at the beginning of this pregnancy, Ben and I talked about whether we were done having kids or not, and were left shrugging.  Some days we have both felt like we are definitely done, and on others the reality of “doneness” is just weird.  We just figure that the Lord will let us know with time.  So since we were (and still are) unsure of what the future holds, I decided on one thing this time around: I would treasure everything.  Weird baby movements that make it hard to breathe.  Attempts at making maternity clothes look somewhat cute.  Hearing superfast heartbeats at doctor visits.  The mystery of how my delivery will go.  Making fun of my swelling legs.  Almost peeing in my pants when the baby repositions herself suddenly.  All of it.   

With my pregnancy history I didn’t think I would ever be able to enjoy the process of having another baby again.  I would enjoy the baby, just not the whole “grow-you-in-my-tummy-and-then-attempt-to-recover-during-an-exhausting-4^th-trimester” phase.  But this time around, knowing that this is possibly my last time to experience these things ever, the finality has made me appreciate what a wonderful experience this really is. 

And the appreciation doesn’t stop tomorrow once our sweet little girl is born.  My goal is the same for the rough newborn phase.  I want to enjoy the squeals, the cries, the outfits covered in spit up, the alone time during night feedings, the wobbliness, and the gradual discovery of who this little person is.  I’m even going to attempt to enjoy nursing.  Maybe even that is possible.  Maybe. 

Motherhood was introduced to me at a very early age, and I can never say thank you to my Heavenly Father fast enough for that wonderful blessing.  But the bittersweet thing about having children is that they grow so fast.  I can’t even believe that I have normal everyday conversations with Skyler and that Lily can sing dozens of Primary songs word for word correctly.  Being given the opportunity to start over with a third is an exciting idea.  

I know that #3 is going to be her own person with her own experiences.  I know that things are going to be tough for a little while as our whole family adjusts.  But I’d be lying if I said I’m not soaking this up.  Maybe I won’t miss everything, but I have a feeling that years down the road, there will be lots of things I will miss.  Like sweet newborn smell.  Watching babies sleep with their honey bunnies up in the air.  Toothless grins when you walk into a room.  Squishy thigh rolls.  The hugeness of reaching little milestones.   

No matter how many kids we end up with, I’m grateful that I have taken the time to savor all of this and not keep asking, “When is this phase going to be over with?”  Because it will be done faster than I want it to be.  And once it’s gone, it’s gone.  Thank goodness for the blog and its awesome super power of memory preservation.   

So here we go.  For possibly the last time.  I have about 24 hours to enjoy my hugeness.   

Next step?  Enjoy whatever comes next.