The Last Pregnancy

I have so many thoughts about this pregnancy that I really want to write them down.  If you're the type of person who doesn't like to read anything negative or gets annoyed when people complain, this post isn't for you.

I came into this pregnancy not knowing if it would work out.  Over the course of the previous two years Ben and I had suffered through four miscarriages in a row.  They took a toll on me physically with all the craziness of pregnancy and then the recovery of miscarriage.  They took a toll on me mentally with not knowing for weeks at a time if things would work out or not and whether or not we should plan on this baby (or once, twins) would be joining our earthly family.  They took a toll on me emotionally with feeling very alone and as if no one could relate.

Before this pregnancy, Ben and I had both agreed that this was our last attempt at having a biological baby and if it resulted in a fifth miscarriage in a row that we would pursue adoption.  Well, Heavenly Father knew what our plan should be and knew that this pregnancy needed to work out.  When my doctor appointments actually looked promising instead of as though I was headed for another miscarriage, I let myself truly begin to hope.  Several months later, I'm the heaviest I've ever weighed but grateful to be full-term with a baby girl. 

But I think a small part of why Heavenly Father let me experience all those miscarriages before having this successful pregnancy was so that I could have better perspective through all I would have to suffer through these past nine months.  I fully understand that no one wants to hear me complain about the difficulties of pregnancy, but I'm listing what I've endured and sacrificed so that my future self can remember that I can do hard things.

1.  Sciatica and leg detachment.  I've had sciatica in each of my pregnancies and it's very painful.  Bad enough that I can barely lift my legs a few inches off the floor.  This makes getting dressed, going up stairs, and virtually anything involving your legs difficult and painful.  This was the first pregnancy though where both of my legs continuously became detached from my hips.  My whole pregnancy has felt as if I've had a butcher knife stuck in my pelvis.  The pain shoots down my inner thigh and it makes it hard to use my legs at all.  With the help of a chiropractor and a memory foam cushion, I've been able to lessen the pain to some degree.

2.  Morning sickness.  The morning sickness was intense this pregnancy, but thankfully, it was the most short-lived out of all of my pregnancies.  I have felt strongly that that was because I had a lot of Relief Society work I needed to accomplish and I couldn't get it done while in fetal position in bed.

3.  My heart.  Perhaps this is the biggest one of all.  My syncope always becomes exacerbated during pregnancy and makes it very easy for me to faint regularly.  Luckily, this is pregnancy #10 for me and I am much more aware of warning signs that a fainting spell is coming.  I've learned not to push myself.  I also learned to stop going grocery shopping and just to order groceries online and have them delivered right to my car at Walmart so that I don't pass out shopping like I often do. 

I have been much more in touch with my cardiologist during this pregnancy than I ever have been before.  Early on in this pregnancy, I went in to have my heart rechecked for everything.  I went through several different tests.  I assumed that nothing would have changed from the last time I had visited my cardiologist a couple of years prior, but au contraire, I was wrong.  I went in knowing I had three heart conditions.  Now I have so many I don't even know how to count them because there are several conditions and then several subcategories of the conditions.  I learned that I have heart disease that is electricity related (I didn't even know that heart disease could be because of electrical issues), and that it's like my heart is functioning on low batteries, and will forever until one day when it's bad enough that I need a pacemaker.  I learned that with my electrical issues, if they get any worse would put me at high risk of a heart attack even though I have no clogging of arteries or anything like that.  I learned about how my heart struggles with palpitations and I struggle with skipping beats.  My latest holter monitor that I wore a couple of weeks ago taught me that in just 48 hours I skip over 800 beats.  It's not that big of a deal when you consider that I had over 200,000 heartbeats in those same 48 hours.  It's fascinating to see my heartbeat on paper because it looks nothing like a normal person's. 

My OB became concerned with my heart because I struggle with constant Braxton Hicks.  I've had them regularly since I was 12 weeks along and I can tell one is coming because my heart will start to flip out before my stomach ever feels a thing.  Fortunately, it doesn't look like it's harmful to my heart, but it's just physically painful for my heart and my stomach. 

I had an experience a good while ago where I was really frustrated about all my heart problems.  I hated that I wasn't "normal" and that I couldn't live up to the physical standards of people with healthy hearts.  It's really easy to beat yourself up over being weak and unable to do even the simplest tasks.  But one day the spirit said to me, "Heather, Heavenly Father knew what body He was giving you for this life.  He knew it would have its limits.  So He gave you talents and interests that you could use and serve others with while sitting down."  This was such a mind blowing epiphany for me to understand that my heart problems are part of my purpose to focus on certain gifts.  Although I should say that I have seen several miracles where the Lord gave me just enough strength to be on my feet long enough to fulfill necessary service in my calling just to have me collapse the entire next day.  But I always have had just enough strength to accomplish His most important work for me to perform.

There have been several other unpleasant symptoms that I've had to endure during these pregnancies, but I won't list those.  But through the torture that this pregnancy has felt like, I am so incredibly grateful for the Lord's tender mercies through it all.  I truly am so grateful that I was called to be put in the Relief Society presidency early last year.  I went through two miscarriages and this really tough pregnancy while serving as First Counselor and it has made it so that I have to constantly focus on others and their struggles so that I don't have much time to focus on my own.  I know that even if none of the sisters in my ward reap any rewards from my work in the presidency, the Lord knew that this was something that I needed. 

Through all this I can say that I have better come to know my Savior in ways that I wouldn't have been able to understand without suffering.  The Lord suffered so much for each of us that it's impossible for us to comprehend His sacrifice.  But going through these trials, there have been many times where I have thought, "Literally no one I know understands what this feels like."  And then I remember that there is always One who knows.  I have felt His love more deeply in the past couple of years of my life than ever before.  I have felt more of His compassion than ever before.  And I have come to understand so much more purpose. 

We are having our baby this week and this will complete our family.  I can't even say that this is bittersweet.  I'm only thrilled that this baby-making phase of my life is over.  But I am thankful to look back at the past decade and know that the Lord has accepted the sacrifice that both Ben and I have endured with each pregnancy.  Each of our kids has been a gift to us and I'm very excited to meet our next while we continue the phase of raising these children.