My Heart

Every single time one of my kids are teething, I run for the orajel or the teething rings, and it's not until my mom buys me these teething biscuits that I remember how awesome those little cookies are.  And I know what you're thinking.  "Why didn't Heather put a bib on that poor baby?"  Because the girl's got some crazy all-over-the-place-hands and a bib would have been pointless.  A little extra laundry is a small price when the end result is a happily teething baby.  Seriously try to find those little teething biscuits for your babies at the grocery store.  They even smell like vanilla.  Double plus.

I can imagine that if a typical person were to be told that they have 3 heart conditions (even if one is basically irrelevant, another won't play a factor in the near future, and the third is the only real concern), that they would be upset.  On the other hand, there's me, and I am more relieved that I can even express.

This is going to sound dramatic, but it's me being 100% honest.  My whole life I have had questions as to why I'm not as strong as so-and-so or why my stamina is a joke.  I mean, is it normal for y'all to arrive somewhere like a friend's house or the park and the first thing you do is to make sure there's a place to sit down, just in case?

Finally I'm starting to get answers.  But for forever, I just pushed myself harder than I should have, which I have since learned isn't wise.  I think it comes from all those people who say, "If you just try hard enough, you can accomplish anything!"  "Anything" for me meaning something along the lines of making it up the stairs without having to catch my breath or running for over a couple of minutes straight.  If I put my mind to it, anything's possible right?  *annoying game show buzzer noise*  WRONG.

I can remember a health class in my second semester of college where in order to get an A, we had to lose a percentage of our body fat.  (Back then, I was a stick.)  In the process we had to do extra strenuous work outs (at least for me) and I barely managed to lose the fat (along with 15 pounds).  But if I was smart, I would have settled for a worse grade.  I can remember very vividly passing out off my stationary bike in a cycling class and when I woke up I was sprawled across that hallway in the middle of the gym (you BYU-Idaho-ers know what I'm talking about, right?) as some of the top school administrators were walking over me.  Classy.  My teacher was bending down next to me (she wasn't the nicest of ladies) and lectured me on how dumb it was to not eat a good enough breakfast.  I had eaten breakfast.  She handed me an apple and I ate it so that she wouldn't ask me any questions.  Because I didn't have any answers.  Why the heck did I pass out when everybody else is going full speed?

My whole life has been full of moments like this.  Passing out at Walmart.  Passing out at school in the hallway in the middle of class changes.  Passing out from pain.  Blacking out and losing my hearing on a very regular basis because I've been standing up for too long.  Struggling to give blood.  Needing to be carried back to camp during a 5 mile hike.  Constantly being fatigued and ready to take a nap, even when I've slept well every night.

After doing lots of research about my biggest condition, all of these things point straight to my heart.  All of these things are listed as common symptoms.  And it's a relief.  Because before I used to sit there and compare myself to others ALL. THE. TIME.  Nobody else thinks that going shopping for an hour is too strenuous.  What's wrong with me?  Is this just in my head?

All of these medical bills are worth it for me to finally have an answer.  I can accept that I have health issues and that's okay.  I just have to know my limits and abide by them.  Luckily the things I enjoy most are within my limits and so I don't feel held back.  I just have to remind myself that running a marathon doesn't necessarily make me a better person.  Or even running a 5K.  I can still be accomplished without accomplishing what everyone else is.  And I must say that writing a book in bed with an electric blanket on and a cup of hot chocolate in hand is within my limits and is quite a bit of fun.