Pregnancy -- It's not me. It's you.

Dear Pregnancy,

We've been down a long road together.  Our relationship hasn't been so awesome.  But it has been a necessary evil, like getting shots or paying bills or choosing chocolate-vanilla swirl frozen yogurt at Costco because the chocolate handle is broken.

We keep breaking up and then somehow we get back together.  I can't believe I've given three whole years of my life to you.  Three years full of morning sickness, heart issues, pinched nerves, and exhaustion.  You're like that friend that sucks everything out of you and gives nothing back in return.

Wait.  There is one thing I do appreciate: the cravings.  Each pregnancy taught me to love something new!  Lily: fish.  Skyler: extremely spicy food.  Ella: I can't remember but it was definitely something.  Thad: maple syrup.  Yes.  M-a-p-l-e  s-y-r-u-p.  I didn't like it before.  The cravings have been awesome.  And I'll even give you a high five for making this pregnancy a little more manageable in the cravings department.  According to Ben, he didn't have to run out to get me any kind of food I was craving until last weekend.  What?  No wonder I've gained almost no weight.

And the hormones.  What was that all about?  Most of the time you acted as if I had zero change of personality -- that my pregnancy didn't even faze me.  But then I'd be watching a commercial about anything and all of a sudden ***BAM!*** waterworks.  I didn't know that LEGO's had that effect on me.  Or like that one night a couple of weeks ago when I didn't realize my shirt was riding up my stomach halfway because I couldn't see it, and ended up bawling my eyes out for 15 minutes when Ben pointed it out.  What was that all about?  Do you know how much you have scared that man?  Sometimes he doesn't know whether he should laugh or just give me a hug.  He's had it rough, too, you know.  He's had to walk a thin wire with his reactions in my pregnancies.  Just one comment could mean the difference between sleeping in bed with me and me saying that he has to sleep on the couch -- except not really. 

Anyway, I know a lot of women genuinely love you.  Maybe you should go spend some more time with them.  The only reason I still have you around is because Thad insists on it and I can't exactly say no to him.  So here we are, stuck.  It's just that I've noticed that as soon as we break up, things get so much better.  I have a baby, I can sleep on my stomach, I don't misread normal words as food names... it's not me.  It's you.   But just to give you fair warning, sometime in the next couple of weeks, we will be saying our final goodbyes.  This time it's for real.  In the ever so mature words of Taylor Swift, "We are never ever ever ever getting back together.  Like Ever."

Love,
Heather