My Miscarriage

For some strange reason the subject of miscarriage is taboo.  This has bothered me since before I even had a baby.  I don't know why we don't talk about it or why we wait to share the sweet news of being pregnant until we're in the "safe zone."  I'm sure plenty of people have personal reasons as to why they choose the secrecy, but for me, I feel like it's something that should be talked about just like any other birth, death, or other major event in someone's life.

So if you're someone who I just described above, I promise I'm not trying to hurt your feelings.  In fact, it's the opposite.  I'm just trying to honestly deal with my own feelings, because when others reached out to me I realized first-hand how many people suffer alone.

I was so excited for my first OB appointment.  I had to wait longer than normal (until I was 11 weeks) to have my first checkup.  It took us a month after Ben started his new job to receive our insurance cards and so the day they came in the mail I jumped up and down with joy.

I went alone because Ben had meetings he had to be in that day.  As the sonographer pulled up video of our adorable tiny baby, I immediately thought, "So cute!  He's mine!"  But then I noticed that blood flow was going around everywhere in the picture -- everywhere except for in the baby.  I noticed there was no heartbeat but I wondered if they had the ultrasound on mute.  Then the sonographer told me, "There's no heartbeat."

"So..... the baby's gone?"

"Yes.  I'm so sorry."

Instead of going right home they immediately took me to the OB's personal office.  We had a long chat about my previous pregnancy complications with Skyler.  We talked about how I had another miscarriage when we were trying for Ella.  We called the hospital so that I could have a D&E the next day.

The next morning, before we took the kids to my parents' bright and early, I told Ben I wanted one picture of this pregnancy.  I knew I would regret it if I didn't.  And I want to mention that I'm smiling in the picture because I was grateful for the opportunity to be able to carry this baby, even if it was only for 11 miserably sick and exhausting weeks.  To me, this baby is still a part of our family.  Ben and I even plan on naming him.  

This I know: we all deal with trials in different ways.  Most people go through a serious mourning process after a miscarriage.  But Ben and I didn't.  We have felt peace the whole time and we know that Heavenly Father has a plan.  We are so grateful for the peace we have been able to feel.  Part of my peace came to me after I realized something.  I had been so sick that at 9 weeks I asked for a priesthood blessing.  In it, Ben said many things.  The next day my sickness had completely disappeared.  According to the ultrasound, that was the day the baby died.  I feel like the blessing was a way to release this baby and let him return home.  His purpose was completed, for now anyway.

Recovery after a miscarriage isn't easy.  It took me just over a week to feel back to normal.  I was in  pain and my heart struggled.  I had a fever come and go.  I even had hot flashes.  Whaaaat???  3 days after the D&E I had to ask for another priesthood blessing.  I was so grateful for that blessing because it gave me the strength I needed to teach at our stake Relief Society's women's day the next day.  My testimony of the priesthood was strengthened even more.

Ben and I always like to look for the light in all dark situations.  In this case, we were so blessed by our family, friends, neighbors, and most especially our ward members (who are really our second family.  We love our ward so much).  We were brought so many dinners, bouquets of flowers, desserts, cards, and other things.  I was feeling down that we were missing strawberry season and that I wouldn't be able to make freezer jam.  But the Lord cares about even the littlest things and 4 people showed up at our door with fresh strawberries or strawberry freezer jam.  Tender mercies are real.  There truly are living angels among us.

In times like this I am especially thankful for the gospel.  I feel like the veil is always a little thinner and I can always see the Lord's hand just a little better in times like this. Truly, we see the stars shine the brightest in the darkest of places.