My Vow to Never Shower Again

Pretty bad things sometimes happen when I shower.  I accidentally shaved off inches of my hair once, making my layers uneven.  I found out about 9/11.  I threw up once.  My kids often get into things they're not supposed to (Vaseline, etc.)

Well, yesterday, something else happened that made me vow to myself that I will never shower again.  I did the usual: turn on a movie, close baby gate to the stairs, go upstairs, and shower.  They're usually okay when I do this. 

I showered.  When I was done and I started drying myself off I heard a sound from the back yard.  A little freaked out that someone was in our back yard while my kids were just a sliding glass door away, I wrapped myself in my towel and peaked out the window.

These were no strangers.  It was Lily and Skyler, running around the back yard by themselves!  As if that wasn't enough to freak me out, they had also taken off all their clothes save their diaper and panties.  I put on the closest clothes to me (Ben's) and ran downstairs and made them come inside.  They were so upset.  I'm pretty sure that was the epitome of freedom to them. 

All I can say is thank goodness some creeper wasn't around.  Who knows how long they were running around in the (almost) nude outside in our unfenced back yard.  Needless to say we are already planning on investing in better baby proofing items.

So I'm never showering again.  Ever.  Sorry, Ben.  Hope you don't mind having a smelly wife for the rest of your life.

And as proof that my children REALLY DO do weird things, here are two pictures for you:

1.  We were having Thanksgiving leftovers at my parents' house and Lily basically told us that everything looked disgusting.  But since she alone was in charge of spooning the green olives into a bowl, she decided she'd eat those instead.  And these were the biggest green olives I've ever seen.  And she ate a bowl full of them.  I mean, I'm all about green olives, but a whole bowl?  Weird child.



2.  I told the kids one day that if they ate all their lunch I would make them hot chocolate.  Lily ate hers, so I made her hot chocolate, as promised.  Skyler refused to eat.  Upset that I refused to make him hot chocolate, he went into the pantry, pulled out a packet of of Swiss Miss, and bit into the paper and sucked out the powder in rebellion.  Bleh.

Are they really related to me?  They don't even really look like me.

THE Parade

A few months ago our ward played its own version of dominos.

As in the Relief Society, Young Women, and Primary presidencies were all released at the same time.

I was then released as a teacher and called as Primary 1st Counselor.

My first responsibility?

The Garner Christmas Parade.

Oh. You know.  Nothing huge.

Aren't they so dang cute???

I'll be honest.  I adore the kids in the Garner ward.  And I'm not even sure it has to do with the calling. 

You see, I've been in Primary ever since I got married.  4.5 years roughly.  In multiple wards.

These ones are the most reverent kids I've ever seen.  *Ahem* Most of the time.

But I'm glad it's over.

Phew.

Our Free Service. Consider it our gift to you. Merry Christmas.

Do you have children on the naughty list?
Do you feel tempted to invest in a large truck full of coal for your children's stockings?
Do the seasonal words "Peace" and "Joy" sometimes feel like a joke at your house???

Well we have the solution for you.  Remember what Ben did last year?  Well since we have a different computer and I'm too lazy to transfer the movie clip from one laptop to another, you will just have to look at THIS LINK.

If you are interested in having Ben call your kids anytime before Christmas, please send an email my way.  puebar at gmail dot com.  Please include the following: phone number, time, name(s), specific misconducts, anything else you think may scare the bajeebers out of your children (i.e. what toy they are wanting and whether they are worthy of it or not). 

You may think that this is a joke.  Let me make this clear: We are very happy to do this.  For free.  In fact, after we did it a couple of times last year we enjoyed it so much that I think this may become an annual tradition. 

We look forward to doing business with you.

Sincerely,
Mr. and Mrs. Claus

Girls' Night Out!!!!

One of the things that continues to shock me is how opposite Lily and Skyler are.  It's almost like they have this secret code that says, "Hey, I'm gonna do this if you do that.  That way Mommy will never be able to satisfy us both at the same time.  Mwahaha!  We're so awesome!"  *fist bump*

But in all seriousness, it makes my life harder, and sometimes I think it makes their lives harder.  For example, Skyler would be perfectly content to spend 90% of his day in my lap, giving me hugs, kisses, and snuggles (also the occassional kiss on one of my zits because he thinks they're boo boos.)

Lil, of course, is the opposite.  I try to give her a kiss, she runs away.  I try to give her a hug, she screams, "NOOOOOO!"  I pull her into my lap to snuggle, she squirms away.  So while Skyler claims me as his territory for a good portion of the day, Lily will sit off by herself, happy to be far from us.  But she still watches as Skyler and I give each other kisses.  And that's one of the toughest things for me to experience as a mom. 

I don't want Lily to feel like I love Skyler more than her, because I don't.  I just couldn't and wouldn't.  But in the eyes of a 3 year-old, I'm sure that's what she sees.  So, in the midst of mine and Skyler's snuggle-fest, I decided Lil and I needed a Girls' Night Out  -- Lily style. 

Now GNO Heather style usually involves me going over to another friend's house with a few others and gabbing until the wee hours of the morning.  Since Lily's bedtime is 7, I knew it would be different.  Besides, I didn't think she'd be interested at all in hearing my birth stories for the 20th time as is customary at GNO's.  But it did involve chocolate.  And that, I can say, was superb.

After dinner I whispered to Lily, "Do you want to go shopping with Mommy?"  Her eyes lit up and I told her to put on her shoes.  "Shhh. Don't tell Skyler.  He's not coming.  It's just you and me." 

Lily: "SKYLER!  BYE!  I'M GOING SHOPPING!"
Me: "figures..."

Lily's 1st request: "I want to sit in Skyler's car seat."  Done.  They're practically the exact same size.  It works.
2nd:  "I want to hold your hand."  Suh-weet!
3rd:  "Let's jump over puddles."  Umm... Okay.

So I put her in the wrong car seat, held her hand, and we jumped over puddles in a packed parking lot.  We grabbed some items that I'll be needing for the parade on Saturday (expect a post about that one next week.  Assuming it doesn't kill me.)

Then we went to Wendy's to get Frosties.  I let Lily choose where we got to sit.  She placed me right next to one of those big yellow "Caution: Wet Floor" cones that was abnormally huge.  I was about two inches away from it.  Of all the empty tables in Wendy's....  We ate.  We gabbed.  We took pictures and laughed at Lily's funny faces. 

Then I put her back in Skyler's car seat and she was shaking like she had just spent an hour in a Rexburg winter without a coat.  I had to turn on the heat in the car.  It was 70 outside. 

"Turn the music up loud!!!" was request #4.  I turned it up.  And we jammed.

Then I turned it down when we got to a commercial.  Lily informed me that she was going to sing me the pony song.  So she sang her little heart out and it sounded like a mixture of a toddler song and an Irish one that someone would dance to on top of a table in a pub.  Or at least, that's what came to my mind. 

When we pulled into the garage I aksed Lily, "Do you want to have another Girls' Night Out again sometime?"  She said, "yes."  Then she looked at me and told me what she does every day, "I love you too much, Mommy."

And I love her too much, too.

Thanksgiving Thanks

Thanksgiving at my parents' was fun.

We played.

We ate lots of food.

We woke up to Skyler screaming in the middle of the night because he didn't know where he was.

We shopped.

We slept.

And we ate again.

It was a blast.

But all those things aren't what Thanksgiving is all about.

I could write a huge list of things I'm thankful for, but that's not necessary.

So here's my short list:

• Prayer: so that I can tell Heavenly Father that I recognize that I've been given more of what belongs to Him.
• Testimony: so that I know how much gratitude can change a life.
• Family: so that I have someone to be grateful with me.

The world would say, "That's pretty cheesy.  Stick to the eating/shopping/football watching."  But I remember the day I first saw the quote above and thought, "If I only got what I was grateful for last night, at least I would have all the basic essentials that would get me through life."  Although I'm pretty sure I didn't mention chocolate...

I hope y'all had a killer Thanksgiving, too.  Thank goodess we don't have to wait another 365 days to be thankful again.



Weirdness and Downspouts

At my parents' house I had two bedrooms -- the one I started out in and the one I stole from my sister, Lizzie, the day she left for college (I had spent many reading times in elementary school sketching out the design and layout I wanted in her room.  It may or may not have included a secret passageway). 

But that's not my point.  My point is that both of those rooms had something special: gurgling drains and gutters right outside their windows. 

Now I know that sounds really weird, but since I lived in that house since I was 7 I became accustomed to listening to water gurgling to lure me to sleep.  I think that that particular noise is ranked up there somewhere close to my children's laughter. 

Ben knows how much I love this noise.

So when we moved to our house a year ago, Ben gave me one of the biggest gifts he could ever give me.  He opened up our bedroom window and dented and deformed the downspout right outside our room enough so that it gurgled right. 

For a man who fixes everything -- not breaks -- this was a true act of love.

The cost to someday replace that pipe: $10

The number of nights I will go to sleep listening to water gurgling: a whole bunch

The number of days I will be amazed that Ben did that: all of them.

Thank you, Ben, for understanding my weirdness.



4 Reasons

There are several reasons why I pity people who choose not to have children.  Parenthood is crazy, but it's also so extremely awesome and worth every second.  Here are a few reasons why:

 #1: You will learn new and obvious ways to do some things.

 This is what an OCD child looks like.  We walked to the park.  Lily got sand in her shoes.  She came home and cried until she discovered she could do this to get it all off. 

 # 2:  You will get a good idea of how you look to everyone else.

I'm hoping that this is more of an Anne of Green Gables experience rather than a Gollum/Smeagol one... but I'm not so sure.  This was the conversation I overheard yesterday:

Lily:  You're in a lot of trouble.

Reflection: --

Lily:  You made a big mess!  Clean it up! 

Reflection: --

Lily:  You're not doing anything!!!

Reflection:  --

Lily:  1!!!!  2!!!!!!  3!!!!  That's it!  Go to time out!*

It's so comforting to know that this is how Lily perceives me.  Ah, the joys of being the bad guy.  

*I would like to update this with good news.  As I was writing this post, Lily and her reflection made up and played peekaboo in which Lily scared the bajeebers out of her reflection.  I'd say that their relationship has been saved.... for now.

 #3: There is a lot of satisfaction in teaching someone else how to be independent.

This is what Lily looks like when she puts panties on herself.  It's a small price to pay when I consider that she has zero accidents, night and day.

#4:  You'll be their most favorite mattress, er, stuffed animal  -- EVER.

Nope.  That one's not Lily.  But isn't he cute???  I love nap wake up time.  Skyler is the best little snuggler in the world and he needs it when he wakes up.  So we'll just watch Curious George like this until he's awake enough to play.  And he has to sleep with that llama and zebra every night.  Along with a ginormous whale, Rex from Toy Story, a stuffed dog, his blankie, Mousy (his stuffed mouse that has been his pillow for forever), and the different toy he brings up every nap/bedtime.  The kid needs his lovies, me being one of them.