Love You Gramps

Yesterday morning I learned that my grandfather “Gramps” died in the night due to the cancer that he had been fighting for months.  When I got the phone call from my mom my heart kind of dropped because even though Gramps had been going downhill quickly in the last little bit of his life, I wasn’t ready. 

Today I was going to have the kids draw him some pictures that I could mail to him.  As I write this Lily is drawing a picture of our family so that we can still give it to him, even if he won’t get to see it. I think that Gramps would have enjoyed the little pizza slice version of our family (imagine pizza slices with faces and legs with our names) since children were a huge part of his heart.

The hardest part of this situation for me is that I desperately wanted to go to L.A. to say my final goodbye.  But with me being 35 weeks into my pregnancy it would be impossible for me to get on a plane and fly across the country.  But I would have done it in a heartbeat had I not been in my last trimester -- even with 2 crazy kids and a 3 day-old baby, by myself -- if Gramps would have lived a little longer. 

Gramps definitely wasn’t a perfect person.  Sometimes he didn’t say things the way normal people would, but there is no doubt in my mind where his heart was.  But at least when he joked that he would chop off my thumb when I was 6 if I didn’t stop sucking it, I actually did stop sucking my thumb.  J

One thing that I treasure about Gramps is that he was so selfless.  He lived a very very humble life, even though he had the means not to.  Gramps always put his time, service, and money in the hands of those he loved instead of thinking about himself.  There have been several times in mine and Ben’s marriage when Gramps would ask me how we were doing financially.  Even when Ben and I were barely scraping by I’d tell him we were fine.  Later that week I would still find a check in the mail.  Many times it was our saving grace to pay for rent or buy groceries.  Every birthday (and even on many holidays) I could always expect a card in the mail with money and a request from Gramps to spend it in a way that would make me happy.  And not only did I get them, my family has had many friends who got birthday cards several years in a row enclosed with cash simply because they were our friends.  To Gramps, that was enough to mean that they were his friends, too.

Wherever he was, he found a way to serve.  When he’d visit us he’d ask for a list of things that needed to be fixed or done around the house and he’d busy himself working when he wasn’t playing with my sisters and me.  When he lived at home he always helped his neighbors and found ways to volunteer in his community. 

But the thing that I loved best about Gramps was that he called me on the phone every single week of my life.  Most of the time our conversations would sound identical to other conversations we’ve already had, but it didn’t matter.  Even if he was just calling to check up on me and to tell me that he was painting his bathroom, what he was really saying was that he loved me enough to make time for me, even if nothing too exciting was happening in my life.  And that, perhaps, is what I will miss the most.  I will miss my phone ringing every Saturday.

One particular memory I have of Gramps is when I first moved to Rexburg.  My mom and sister, Becca, had just left from getting me settled, and I was completely alone in a place I had never been to in my life.  As excited as I was to start college, I felt a deep sadness and fear of being alone.  So within hours of being abandoned, I left my apartment (where I was the only roommate to have moved in at that point) and went up to campus to distract myself.  To probably no one’s surprise I found myself in the BYU-Idaho gardens.  I easily concealed myself among some big plants next to a fountain, and I let myself cry.  After about 10 minutes of bawling my eyes out, my phone rang.  It was Saturday morning so of course it was Gramps.  Not sure of whether I wanted to pick up or not, I let it ring a few times before I finally decided to talk to him.  I can’t remember exactly what we talked about, but I can remember that Gramps had no idea that I was crying but he said exactly what I needed to hear to make me feel more uplifted and ready to start my new journey.  By the time that we were saying goodbye I can remember feeling the need to somehow hug him through the phone for the comfort he had given me. 

Every phone call ended the same with Gramps saying, “I love you and miss you.”  If I could say anything to him right now it would be those words.  I really do love you and miss you Gramps.  I’m so happy that you’re in a happier place. 

4

This little bug turned 4 on Sunday.  And since I (once again) earned the worst mother of the year award by bawling my eyes out concerning the fact a few days beforehand (it was my, er, hormones.... ummm.... yeah...), I was able to enjoy Saturday.  Ever since we went to Myrtle Beach in February Lily has asked if she could go to the beach for her birthday.  So for months and months she asked if it was June yet, and I'd have to say no and try to explain how much time was left.  Finally it was June and Lily was so used to hearing that she had to keep waiting that I don't think she really believed it was her birthday until we actually arrived at the beach and she saw the ocean. 

I thought that when I had Lily 2 weeks before I turned 20, I would automatically fit into the "young hip mom" category.  Over and over again I have been proven wrong.  Cue scene of me putting sunscreen on my kids.  On Memorial Day weekend we let Skyler run around in our backyard topless for 2 hours.  The result?  A bad sunburn with dime sized blisters covering his shoulders for a week.  I learned my lesson after that.  So when we got to the beach the kiddos kept begging to run into the water but I made them stay put until they had about a gallon of sunscreen on each of their little bodies.  Ben kept giving me that, "are you serious?" look.  Even my parents looked at me like I was somewhat ridiculous.  Sure they looked like they had just been attacked by a whole pigeon brigade, but let me just say that none of us (except for Ben) came home with a sunburn.  Oh snap.

 These two had some good bonding time trying to catch the tiny fish that would roll in with every wave.  Ben got pinched by a crab in the process which made me freak out a little bit, so it didn't help when Ben was sitting behind me and tried to scare me by grabbing my hand from under the sand.  But that's what you can expect from being married to Ben.

It was the absolute perfect beach day.  One of my favorite parts was digging a hole in the sand and positioning my 34.5 week tummy inside so I could lie on my stomach for the first time in months.  Aaaaahhhh.  So relaxing.  And I may or may not have been dreaming of that moment for a loooooong time beforehand.

 We opened presents and had cake on Lily's real birthday the next day after church and naptime.  (Forgive the poor quality picture that had to be taken on my phone since I temporarily broke my camera at the beach *ahem*)  This is Lily freaking out over some big girl jewelry that Nanni and Papa gave her.  I can't believe how much Lily is growing up.

Lily had 4 requests for her birthday.  All of which we were happy to agree to.

1. Go to the beach.
2. Eat Chickel-a aka Chick-fil-a in Lily/Skyler lingo.
3. Have a rectangle chocolate cake with pink frosting, and marshmallows that she gets to put on the cake herself.  Yes, it really was that specific.
4. Go to the temple.  She really did request this as a birthday activity about a month or two in advance.  But since the temple gates are closed on Sundays we're going to be doing this one later this week, so pictures are to come.

Miss Lil, Daddy and I love you sooooo much.  We're so glad you came to our family 4 years ago. 



Day 5 - Our Big 5th Anniversary

This post is written to my wonderful wife.

My dearest wife,

I have been thinking a lot about us lately.  It seems like it was just yesterday that we were sitting excitedly in the Salt Lake Temple waiting for for our chance to be sealed for all time and eternity.  I remember looking at you and wondering what our lives would bring into the world.  How many children would we have? What influence would we have on our family and friends? What would we do for Lord to help establish his kingdom?  Where would we end up? What would our lives become?

During the past five years I feel like we have only started to see what is in store for us and I am humbled to know that I have been given the opportunity to share my life with you.

As I have gotten to know you better, I have learned so much about life and how to let the Lord guide me through my struggles.  I know that there have been times when we both have been fit to be tied and I have watched you turn to the Lord for guidance time after time.  Every time you have come out stronger and with deeper faith and a stronger testimony.  I am grateful to have a wife who is so willing to turn to the Lord.

I have also learned the meaning of true love.  Through all of our hardships I have know that you are there supporting me even when it has not been easy.  I really feel like I have my best friend with me all the time.  I know that I can rely on you for anything.  Having kids hasn't easy, especially with how young you are, but no matter what may happen or how frustrated you may get with me or the kids I know that you love us more than anything.  I have seen you go into the kids room when they are sleeping and I can hear in my mind, "I will love you forever and forever my babies you'll be." 

You have taught me to live in the moment and not take for granted the smallest detail.  Yes we have our plans for the future and I hope that we can get to them, but what would life be like with out the little day to day miracles.  for me life has become a pearl necklace. A single pearl on it own is of no great worth and can easily be overlook.  Every once in a while you may find a perfect pearl, but that is rare. It isn't until you put the pearls together that you have something of great worth.  Our life together has been very similar to this.  We had our wedding, two children, I got my first job, and we bought a house.  Those are the perfect pearls, but we also have so many other memories that are so easily over looked.  I remember going strawberry picking, going for walks in Rexburg, the hole in the couch, cutting the couch in half, the neighbors dog and the frozen fish, the "stream", a kiss here and a kiss there, a melted ice cream cone, Lily sucking my pinkie, the mountains, Myrtle Beach, passing out in Wal-mart, our first kiss as an eternal family.  Put all of those things and many more together and you have US.  Something of great worth not just to us, but to our children, our families, our friends, and to the Lord.  I wouldn't want to change that for anything.

Heather,  I love you more than anything.  You truly are the center of my life and I would have it no other way.  you are the best thing that could have happened to me and I want you to know that.  Every day that pass I thank God that he gave me you with all of you.  What else do I need other than you and the Lord?

Thank you for being my best friend.  Thank you for your patience and love and God bless you for sacrificing so much for me and our family. 

Your Hubby

Day 4 -- Something That Went Wrong.... or Right

At the Raleigh temple grounds last year.

Before I got married I kept being warned that something would go wrong on our wedding day.  (When my sister, Lizzie, got married, their car died on the side of I-15 on the way down to the reception and so they had to be driven to their hotel by my parents.  AWKWARD.)  So I mentally prepared myself for different situations with the hope that everything would go more smoothly. 

Surprisingly enough, only one thing went wrong on our wedding day (besides the fact that neither Ben nor I got to eat any of our wedding cake, but that's typical).  After meeting up in the Salt Lake temple lobby we were taken in to the temple to do some paperwork.  Then, we were taken to the Celestial Room to wait until the actual sealing. 

So Ben and I just sat there, enjoying the quiet alone time, not being pressured by all of the day's events.  I can remember sitting on a couch and looking around at the gorgeous (and huge!) room, thinking, "This is what it's all about."  We weren't really paying attention to anything except each other.  Then a temple worker came up to us and asked, "Do you happen to know where your witnesses are?"  Umm... no.  We had sort of said our goodbyes to everyone at the lobby a while earlier.  In typical temple worker fashion, she just smiled and walked away.  Then a few minutes later another temple worker came and asked us the same thing.  And then another.  And then another.  So it was pretty clear that our witnesses were lost somewhere within the Salt Lake temple.  Eventually they were found, and Ben and I were finally able to get sealed.  Almost an hour late. 

But that was an hour of extra time that Ben and I got to spend alone together in the most peaceful place in the world.  It kind of makes me sad that it's supposedly bad luck to see the bride before the wedding, because there's so much craziness on a wedding day that you almost don't have time to breathe.  This was a perfect mistake for our wedding day. We both still agree that that is probably our favorite memory of June 21st, 2007.

Day 3 -- Fun

Every time I see this picture I always have to sing in my head, "We are a bobsled team!"

We're pretty used to people looking at us like we're stupid.  :)

Stay Puft from Ghostbusters.

Anyone who thinks that marriage is 100% work is doing it wrong.

I think that having fun and enjoying each other is just as important as any other aspect of marriage.  Ben and I share lots of memories and laughs together. 

 We often indulge in things that aren't necessities just because.  Last year Ben surprised me with a Rascal Flatts ticket at the same time that some of my girlfriends were surprised by their hubbies.  In return we surprised our hubbies a few months later with NHL tickets to see the Hurricanes play.

Sometimes we play practical jokes on each other.  I have a real hate for any toy that makes noise.  I have never once bought one for my kids.  They only ever get them as gifts from someone else, and when the batteries die they're not ever replaced.  One day I was complaining to Ben about one toy in particular that was driving me CRAZY.  The kids kept squeezing it and making it play the same song over and over again and my head was about to explode.  Later that night after we had gone to bed and turned out the lights, Ben stuck his hand under my pillow.  Immediately that toy's music was blaring through our silent room.  About a year later Ben was complaining about the kids zhu zhu pets and their weird little noises.  As soon as he mentioned that I smiled and you can guess what he found wheeling over him that night.

But not every single day is awesome.  And Ben is a smartypants of a husband because he is always prepared for my low days (they should make a scouting badge out of that.  I mean, really, how many of those badges are actually going to come in handy?  But surviving marriage.... there's something in that...)  He has a hidden stash in our house (no, I really don't know where it is) of Toblerones.  When I'm having a rough day he pulls one out for me and my day is that much brighter.

With how many books there are on marriage therapy, it makes me wonder if people sometimes forget about how awesome marriage is, too.  Because it has some serious perks and I would NEVER want to go back to being single.

Even if I do get serenaded by a battery-powered toy in bed tonight.



Day 2 -- Rescued

We were a lot skinnier back then.  I would say that there's hope for us to look like that again someday, but who am I kidding?  We both learned how to cook.

Back when we were dating, Ben and I were in different wards.  To make a long story short, one Sunday during church I was passing out and couldn't move because of a physical problem I was having.  My roomie Deanna was trying to help me get home but the furthest we could make it was to the religion building's stairwell where I was slumped over and practically lying down in my dress, trying my best to stay composed.  You know, I'm just so classy like that. I think my body has some rule that I am only ever allowed to pass out in public.

Tons of people were walking right past us.  No one stopped to ask what was up or to offer help.  But there was no way we were going to get home on our own.  So Deanna called up Ben whose ward still hadn't started yet.  Within a few minutes Ben ran up the stairs, picked me up in his arms, carried me to his car, and drove me home.  As soon as I was comfortably lying on my couch he called up his own roomie and had him come over to help give me a blessing.

At the time, it was romantically cheesy that he basically rescued me.  But coming from a married perspective, this incident was the first of many rescue missions we've been a part of.

Most of our rescues haven't been like the one I just mentioned or the one when Ben did the same thing when I passed out at Wal-Mart 8 months pregnant with Lily.  Most of our saves have been emotional or spiritual.

But those have been much more vital to our marriage than anything else.

Ben knows my struggles and I know his struggles.  We both try hard to understand what kind of help we actually need, instead of just assuming that we know what's best for the other person.

My favorite part about marriage is that I get to spend everyday with my best friend.  Who has almost everything in common with me.  Who isn't afraid to share his real, innermost feelings with me and listens to mine.  Who just happens to be the one other person in the whole world who has parented the record-breaking cutest children on the planet.

It's sort of awesome.

We know that the waves are going to keep pounding.  Life doesn't ever stop providing trials.  But this much I can say: What you work the hardest for is what you come to love the most.  And I would say that Ben and I have had to work pretty hard in our marriage -- and we have definitely come to love each other more now than when we were skinnier in that picture up there.

  So when I need to be rescued, it's nice not having to watch the people around me walking by, not offering to help, because Ben's already there.  And hopefully I'm already there for him, too. 

But Heaven help me if Ben really does pass out in a stairwell someday.  Because somebody else is going to have to do the rescuing that day....

Day 1 -- Father's Day

I've decided to do something a little bit differently this week.  You see, today is Father's Day and the 21st is our 5th year anniversary.  So even though this blog may seem like it's ruled by our incredibly cute children, I'm going to take a break from writing about them (for the most part anyway.... they're sort of a vital piece of glue and sticks the hubby and I together) and keep to a subject that I don't talk about that often: Me and Ben.  So each day until our anniversary I will be putting up a new post about us.

5 days of blogging for 5 years of marriage

Because 5 years is definitely something to celebrate.

So excuse me if I get a little mushy gushy, especially since I never do.

*******

Ben and I don't have a perfect marriage.  It bugs me to death that Ben usually only gets his big projects around the house only 90% of the way done and it bugs him that I almost never put DVD's back in their cases.  But around dinner time I find myself listening for the sound of our Camry driving down the street (it has a uniquely low hum that I have memorized) and wondering, "Is that him?!"  But since I'm always in the middle of scrambling around the kitchen getting dinner together, I usually just let the kids greet him*.

*"Greet" can mean anything from climbing up him to give him a hug around the neck to half sobbing/half asking for snuggles on the couch.  But usually it just means the kids are waiting by the door impatiently asking me if I'll open it for them (it's child locked) and yelling with delight, "Daddy!  You're home!" as soon as the door cracks open.  (It looks like I really can't stray away from the kids for too long, huh?  Fail.)

*Ahem*

Anyway.

I have one memory that will never be erased in my mind about Ben.  It happened when we were dating and almost to the "maybe we should go shopping for a rock but if anyone asks if we're thinking about the idea we'll just blush and say 'maybe'" phase.  We had been dating for a while and Ben's parents were flying into the country (from Samoa) for their granddaughter's baby blessing.  Since they would be a mere 3-4 hours away from us, Ben decided to take me down to his brother's house so I could meet some of the family.  Ben was amazing at making sure I didn't feel out of place.

Then something happened.  It's not so much that he stopped paying attention to me as it was that all of the young kids around us had more attention.  I watched as Ben scooped up kids off the ground and flew them around on his shoulder.  I watched tickle fights between this guy who was 6'3" and kids who weren't even 3'6".  I watched how time after time Ben lost whatever game he was playing with these kids.  And it was so fun for him.

And that's sort of when I knew. 

I already knew that I really loved him.  But I wanted someone who was more than just a fun guy that I was dating.  It had always been a critical need for me to marry someone who would make an incredible dad someday.

And I knew he would.

So fast forward to 2 months after we got married.  At the point I was barely 19.  We had agreed to wait 3 years to get pregnant so that we could both be finished with school.  But we also agreed, even more so, that if the Lord told us that we needed to have a baby sooner than that, we wouldn't hesitate.

It just came a lot sooner than we expected.

So.  Like I said.  2 months after we got married, Ben and I were sitting in the Idaho Falls temple doing our typical weekly (or whatever) session.  I had never had such a clear impression before, but it was VERY clear to me that it was time to start a family.  And I kinda-sorta freaked out a little bit in the session.  And I spent the rest of the session wondering how I would gather the courage to tell Ben.  So when we got into the Celestial Room in the temple, Ben (who had a slight "deer in the headlights" look) asked me if I had had any impressions.  I said yes and asked him the same question.  He said yes, too.

And I was not about to spill first.

So I asked him what he had felt.  And what do you know, we both had the exact same experience.  So we called our parents in the parking lot and asked them to fast with us the next day so we could know 100% for sure.  And they did.  And we fasted.  And prayed.

And then we knew.  It was time.

So even though I knew my life was about to flip a 180, especially for being so young, I felt peace.  And I kept reminding myself of all those memories of Ben playing with his nieces and cousins. 

And then I felt excitement.  Because Ben was going to be more than just "The Hubby," as I call him.  He was going to be my kids' daddy.

So when Lily came along and Ben flopped himself on the floor to do tummy time with her, and then Skyler came along and he woke up early every morning so I could have a break from his colic, and then #3 started getting baked and he rubs my tummy and whispers to her that he's excited to meet her, I feel the same confirmation I felt in the temple.  This is how it's supposed to be.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Happy Father's Day hubby.  I'm still glad I picked you.