I get nervous about writing "deep" blog posts. I feel like a blog isn't a place where we need to share our deepest, darkest secrets. I think some things are perfectly and appropriately kept confidential and that they should typically stay away from the blogosphere.
What I'm going to share usually goes under this category. But since it's my secret to tell, I don't mind sharing it.
A while ago I started breaking down. I had very little reason (other than an overloaded to do list) to be so frazzled, but I was. Things became much worse after our car accident in November. I would wake up for hours most nights worrying about every little detail of my life that didn't need to be worried over. The exhaustion led to more stress, and the break down went downhill.
My struggle was obvious to the people who know and love me best -- aka my family. That's when my mom pulled me aside and suggested that I see a therapist. She recommended someone she knew who was in a bishopric in another ward. To put it simply, I have been undergoing therapy for a while.
It didn't take long before my therapist told me that I suffer from anxiety.
What? Me?
Yes. And from what I can see, I have suffered from it my whole life.
I've had enough life experiences to know not to judge people, even if what they do is weird. Or even really weird. I fall under the really weird category.
The reason why I am in counseling is because I have a fear of being in cars. I have been in car accidents so many times in my life that it has made me completely uneasy about road trips anywhere. It doesn't matter if I was the one who was hit or if I was in the car when the driver hit someone else. All of it is bundled together into my biggest form of anxiety. My therapist asked me how often I panic while I'm in the car, and I told him it's about 10 times in a 25 minute period. Ben would agree (that is, if he weren't the sweet man that he is) that I should win the "World's Worst Backseat Driver" award. Poor man.
But this post isn't about cars and it isn't about my anxiety. It is about life. I am not healed from my fear yet, but it is getting better. But digging deep and learning about myself and my relationship with my Savior has helped me open doors that I never would have known existed. So in a way, having my anxiety has sort of become a gift for me to work and grow closer to my Savior. Although I'm not dealing with addictions (although my therapist might be a little concerned about how much chocolate I consume....) we have been using the Addiction Recovery Program as a guide for our sessions -- especially the dreaded Step 4: Making a Personal Inventory. If you're unfamiliar with the 12 step program that the church uses, you can find the manual HERE. Believe me, this is a program that everyone should try out if you want to experience the "refining fire." No addictions necessary. I'd recommend it to everyone. Yes. YOU.
The reason why I'm sharing this is because we all have baggage. Some people just hide it better than others, and like I said, a lot of the time that is the right thing to do. But I know that when we work through our hardships with the Lord as our ally, we can overcome whatever life hands us. Even if you're weird. Or even if you're really weird (join the club). Never lose faith in the Lord and never lose faith in yourself. The road of life is a road for a reason. We're not supposed to stop when we give up on ourselves. We have to keep going. Even if that means I have to get in a car. *gulp*
7 comments:
You can do it Febbie! I also had anxiety about cars. But mine was that I'd get lost, or that I couldn't work a car properly. It took a huge amount of faith every time before I'd get behind the wheel. I also would have panic attacks when being a passenger and was terrified I'd have one while driving (my panic attacks while driving include me starting to unfocus that's similar to blacking out). Luckily, it's only happened a few times and I'm able to fight my way through it.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Heather. You are right--everyone has baggage, including myself. We all have struggles where, through the Savior, we can find comfort and relief. I found this post to be very helpful and uplifting. You encouraged me to maybe be more open about some of my struggles so others can know they are not alone.
Heather, I have to thank you for the wonderful picture of your three children. I especially love the way Ella is reaching out to Lily with her arm. Priceless photo!
Wow, so true Heather that we all have baggage. I tend to be in denial about 90% of the time, until it finally makes me physically sick and I have to stop and reflect. Thanks for sharing your journey with us--and inspiring all of us to examine ourselves in order to heal ourselves.
Heather - I agree totally about the Addiction Recovery Program manual - it would make the best 12 week Sunday School course ever because it is so focused on the Atonement. Having been in the Addiction Recovery program for quite a while I can say that it really does change lives. One of our program leaders (a former Stake President and currently in the Temple Presidency) used to say "If you've ever repented of the same thing more than once then it is likely that you have an addiction." The program is for everyone (since the Atonement is for everyone) and it works (because the Atonement works). We all love you and pray for you and your wonderful family. BTW - I recently heard this - "A dysfunctional family is any family that has more than one person."
You are a brave and wonderful person. I have anxiety too. I try to keep it at bay. But watching the news, or reading about really horrific things, like death and disease, and I can't sleep and I start crying and get lots of anxiety. I know that I have triggers and I try to stay away from them. It's hard. We live in a really hard world where we are bombarded by tragedy all the time in the media. I think going to a good therapist is awesome!! I am going to look into the addiction recovery program. Anything that helps me understand the Atonement better is wonderful. Thanks for sharing. HUGS!!
I am always amazed by you! And what an inspiration you are to me!!! Thanks!
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