Love You Gramps

Yesterday morning I learned that my grandfather “Gramps” died in the night due to the cancer that he had been fighting for months.  When I got the phone call from my mom my heart kind of dropped because even though Gramps had been going downhill quickly in the last little bit of his life, I wasn’t ready. 

Today I was going to have the kids draw him some pictures that I could mail to him.  As I write this Lily is drawing a picture of our family so that we can still give it to him, even if he won’t get to see it. I think that Gramps would have enjoyed the little pizza slice version of our family (imagine pizza slices with faces and legs with our names) since children were a huge part of his heart.

The hardest part of this situation for me is that I desperately wanted to go to L.A. to say my final goodbye.  But with me being 35 weeks into my pregnancy it would be impossible for me to get on a plane and fly across the country.  But I would have done it in a heartbeat had I not been in my last trimester -- even with 2 crazy kids and a 3 day-old baby, by myself -- if Gramps would have lived a little longer. 

Gramps definitely wasn’t a perfect person.  Sometimes he didn’t say things the way normal people would, but there is no doubt in my mind where his heart was.  But at least when he joked that he would chop off my thumb when I was 6 if I didn’t stop sucking it, I actually did stop sucking my thumb.  J

One thing that I treasure about Gramps is that he was so selfless.  He lived a very very humble life, even though he had the means not to.  Gramps always put his time, service, and money in the hands of those he loved instead of thinking about himself.  There have been several times in mine and Ben’s marriage when Gramps would ask me how we were doing financially.  Even when Ben and I were barely scraping by I’d tell him we were fine.  Later that week I would still find a check in the mail.  Many times it was our saving grace to pay for rent or buy groceries.  Every birthday (and even on many holidays) I could always expect a card in the mail with money and a request from Gramps to spend it in a way that would make me happy.  And not only did I get them, my family has had many friends who got birthday cards several years in a row enclosed with cash simply because they were our friends.  To Gramps, that was enough to mean that they were his friends, too.

Wherever he was, he found a way to serve.  When he’d visit us he’d ask for a list of things that needed to be fixed or done around the house and he’d busy himself working when he wasn’t playing with my sisters and me.  When he lived at home he always helped his neighbors and found ways to volunteer in his community. 

But the thing that I loved best about Gramps was that he called me on the phone every single week of my life.  Most of the time our conversations would sound identical to other conversations we’ve already had, but it didn’t matter.  Even if he was just calling to check up on me and to tell me that he was painting his bathroom, what he was really saying was that he loved me enough to make time for me, even if nothing too exciting was happening in my life.  And that, perhaps, is what I will miss the most.  I will miss my phone ringing every Saturday.

One particular memory I have of Gramps is when I first moved to Rexburg.  My mom and sister, Becca, had just left from getting me settled, and I was completely alone in a place I had never been to in my life.  As excited as I was to start college, I felt a deep sadness and fear of being alone.  So within hours of being abandoned, I left my apartment (where I was the only roommate to have moved in at that point) and went up to campus to distract myself.  To probably no one’s surprise I found myself in the BYU-Idaho gardens.  I easily concealed myself among some big plants next to a fountain, and I let myself cry.  After about 10 minutes of bawling my eyes out, my phone rang.  It was Saturday morning so of course it was Gramps.  Not sure of whether I wanted to pick up or not, I let it ring a few times before I finally decided to talk to him.  I can’t remember exactly what we talked about, but I can remember that Gramps had no idea that I was crying but he said exactly what I needed to hear to make me feel more uplifted and ready to start my new journey.  By the time that we were saying goodbye I can remember feeling the need to somehow hug him through the phone for the comfort he had given me. 

Every phone call ended the same with Gramps saying, “I love you and miss you.”  If I could say anything to him right now it would be those words.  I really do love you and miss you Gramps.  I’m so happy that you’re in a happier place.